I... I... I have something to admit.

I'm a total photography groupie/wannabe.

I love being a total doofus amateur and just dicking around and taking pictures of everything.

my family calls me and my grandpa the paparazzi. It's kind of embarrassing, seeing as I'm dating an actual photographer.

I also have a little bit of a fibers hard-on. (Sam's word, not mine)

I really really really really really want to take garment design and learn how to make my own clothes but that means I have to take intro to fibers and that means I have to deal with the mean and condescending fibers people more than necessary. And I'm also way too incompetent to D-I-Y it. Even I can recognize that.

...well anyway. My allegiance to the Illustration department is (wavering) but still there.

I should probably go back to painting obnoxiously cute puppies and kittens now.

Yeesh.

vey and oy

I was thinking... maybe I should stop fooling myself and realize that I am never going to be able to accomplish the whole "understated" style thing that I want. I don't think understated is even in my list of (limited) art vocabulary. Maybe I should just make ridiculous art all the time, instead of trying to make it look "good" or realistic, or trying to invent a style that just isn't mine. I'm growing into this new style and aesthetically it is pleasing but then I'm scared that my old style, which I have always hated but am now nostalgic for for some reason, is going to go completely away and I am going to be an illustration-bot. Man I am fickle. I don't know what I want, ever.

I just want to be good at drawing pictures. that's all I need. that and Sleep. which I am currently not getting. so bye.

\

'nuff said, I think.

bradoodle

All moved in.... the bras are on the hook like usual. Funny what habits you fall into.

Doodled with my tablet.

I should be drawing.. and not spouting about it on my stupid blog. Fuuuuuuuuck.

At least at the science factory I was productive. Sort of.

also: watched The Ramen Girl (possibly the worst movie I have ever seen, and that is definitely not a hyperbole) and all I could think was....

OH NOOO BRITTANY MURPHY WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR LIPS???

she looks like the offspring of pamela anderson and donald duck!

masturbator

I don't know why I have to always be contrarian. I was perfectly fine with bullshit art until I went to MICA. But it's all been totally thrown up in the air for some reason. Now I have this weird growing resentment against the whole thing.
Maybe it's me who's being pretentious, but as I dive deeper into the "art world" and art school and everything, the more I realize how much I hate art. Or rather, just fine art. It is completely pretentious and has no practical or applicable purpose... I don't know if this makes me a bad person but... I remember talking to someone in the beginning of the year and they told me 

"this might make me sound bad, but I just want to draw. I don't want to think deeply about my art, or help further the world, or meet a ton of new people, I just want to freaking draw. That's what I'm at this school for and that's all I'm going to do." 

And I think i'm slowly coming to that kind of realization. I'm just so sick of "art." I just can't bring myself to be into it... it all seems unbearably silly to me.. and to steal smarter peoples' words, completely masturbatory. 

Because really, deep down, who creates art without the intention of some people looking at it and praising it? 

but that's just me I guess. Art is therapeutic for some people, I just must not get it. 

Doodle City

Elle is coming to California!! 

!!!

Here is a doodle I made while my family was making extensive musician talk - my grandpa was really cute and wanted to keep it.

 

And a sketch of my cousin. He asked me to sign it.. I've never signed anything before hahaha. 

 

Pretty Pink Ribbon

I just want to go hide under a rock.

www.williamstout.com 

Maybe i'll ask this guy if I can intern with him. He works in  Pasadena. 

Or Jaime Zollars, a MICA alum who lives in Pasadena:

It's perfect but I probably won't be able to get up the courage to do it. Out of lack of what to say. And lack of any good work. God, Work. I'm so fucking sick of that word. I never want to hear it again.

Look at my work, 

I love your work, 

I need to produce work, 

after saying it to myself so many times, it has started to lose its meaning. Artists have a funny relationship with that word... or maybe I am just crazy and it's just me. Saying I'm making work makes me feel like I'm some facsimile of a real artist. I'm really just vomiting stupid ugly stuff out of my brain onto a piece of paper out of necessity to pass classes and calling it work. Maybe I will resolve to not use that word again the rest of the summer.. maybe it will make me feel better. 

Man fuck all this art school bullshit, it makes me want to be sick. I don't want to make "work." I just want to draw stupid, pretty pictures that are fun to look at. I'm so tired of having to sound deep and pretentious in order to sound legitimate. Except I can't even do that apparently without flipping a shit about it. I'll take Elle's advice to draw a picture every day... then I'll actually have a goal instead of floundering around freaking out like I always do.

Here's a stupid thing I made in illustrator. 

 

Heh. heheh. 

so uncomfortable, but so worth it.

Sculptural forms.....

is slightly taking over my life... or just sculptures in general. Funny that that's the direction things have taken. 

I made this installation, It's my first one I think. It came out a lot more creepy and violent than I expected. But then again,  a lot of my work turns out to be creepy, sexual, violent, or a mix of the three. 

Oh wait, I lied, it's not my first one, that was the weird knitting thing me and Natalie made for drawing. I'll post pictures of that when she sends them to me. They turned out pretty cool.... more all-nighters for that woo. 

also: here's this gem I found on modelmayhem the other day. 

Hello (H)elements. 

shat

I rented a tablet from AV today cause I wanted to screw around with it. Here is my first tablet-illustrator inspired art thing! 

People always think I'm lighter than I really am. I guess I'm flattered, but it's weird. I tell them I'm 150-155 pounds and a size 11 pants and they always get this funny look on their face and go "nooo." and I'm like yeessss.. do I need to take off my pants to prove it to you? I've had a lot of people say that... more than enough to make it a pattern. 

funny. I guess I look lighter than I am? that's a good thing. I'm  pretty normal weight.. I could always weigh less but so could everyone in their minds. It's never my weight that I freak out about, but rather what my body shape is. Cause weight doesn't really mean anything if you look good.. unless you're a runway model I guess. I would be the biggest fatty Mcfatterson in that case. But thankfully I'm not! 

my brain is all over the place!

 

There's meeee!

Nom

Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom..... 

I AM THE INCREDIBLE HULK!... hulkess... or Amanda is at least. 

Art Is Art is Art.

I found this design artist who is really OCD and kind of freaky but I seriously like. 

www.marconi.nu

I can't save the pictures and post them here, but they are obsessive and awesome. I would wear them! 

On another awesome note: MOBA! The Museum of Bad Art. I can't even describe the hilarity of it all... There are some real jewels in there. 

www.museumofbadart.org

This has to be my absolute favorite. Is it a portrait... or a landscape??