I'm gonna resurrect this blog. Even though I know nobody ever read it, and nobody uses blogspot anymore, I just want another place to vent and can't seem to keep a consistent diary (can't even commit to a diary, argh.)

It's funny to read all my posts that I wrote when I was a MICA senior. I read that tone of voice, unmistakably mine, but I feel like that's an old incarnation of me that's almost completely disappeared. the new me feels much more serious, way less happy. But I guess that's what happens when you advance in years. I just - I guess i always thought i knew what depression felt like. i thought i knew what depression felt like when i was 15 and when i was 21 writing those dumb blog posts and i guess i think i know now.

i guess i just feel like i've been riding this long arc downwards since 18 and i need another upward swing in my life. i've totally lost control- i keep overdrafting my bank account and spending more than i should or even have and eating away at my savings - owing money to people and dropping projects irresponsibly and just generally being seriously irresponsible. The one thing that sandy said to me that resonates is that I'm afraid of growing up i guess. I'm actively resisting being an adult and i don't know why - at my age you can't pretend you're an idiot that doesn't know anything about the world anymore - i'm an adult and I have to act like one, and not some self-pitying teen. somehow fooling myself that buying mouthwash or shampoo before the other one runs out or putting makeup on every day or hand washing my bras makes me an adult. sitting around and being like "what's wrong with me??????!!!!!" and taking no responsibility isn't going to cut it. i'm almost 25 now, holy shit.