I feel like whenever I slow down and stop to think about stuff my life becomes an emotional crisis about nothing. I feel like I live so caught up in everything that I can never really experience anything. That doesn't make sense at all. Because I am so uncomfortable with myself, It often feels like it's not me experiencing my own life, I'm a stranger looking in.
I pass off all my emotions off as fake or stupid. It's just force of habit. If I'm upset about something, I will convince myself that I'm being ridiculous and it's not a big deal at all, and then I will be upset because I feel frivolous and stupid. Or that I'm manufacturing angst in order to feel self-important. Because I'm secretly scared that I don't care about anything.
I remember my internal conflict about Oleanna - I watched a woman get beat up on screen by a male teacher, and It didn't change my opinion about the play. I still hated her, and I didn't even feel a twinge of sympathy for her. I was like, maybe my emotions are broken. Maybe they are - somedays I'm like an impenetrable shield, I don't care about anything, then some days everything is a huge upset and I cry about everything like a retard.
It's a vicious cycle - as I write this, I am thinking to myself - Mollie, this is stupid, you don't really feel this, you just want an excuse to feel upset, you're fucking fine, stop bitching.
And then I just totally freak myself out. like right now.
which is why this post is going to end.
and I am going to leave Workstudy and do homework to occupy myself. Cause I'm awesome at putting things in the back of my mind and forgetting about them!
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