ugh

cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche

WHATEVER 

3 more weeks. 

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Latex arms, latex arms

Everything is good. Awesome even. So why do I still feel like a wreck??

Hello (H)elements. 

I

No, I think I'll sit in Doris and freak myself out more instead. 

I can't decide if I hate myself for being too selfish or too shallow. maybe one just leads to another. Maybe I don't know anything because I don't to take myself or anything seriously. If I got thrown out into society right now and had to take care of myself, I'd be like a monkey with a typewriter. I feel like my whole life is like a monkey with a typewriter already, actually. So much banging around, no actual substance getting through.

whine, whine, whine, me, me, me, that's what I'm afraid people are thinking when they talk to me. I don't know how to deal with other people. 

blarg.

I am at Workstudy again. Falling asleep in my chair. I had to give a tour. And pretend like I know stuff about stuff. And I don't know shit about shit. 

I feel like whenever I slow down and stop to think about stuff my life becomes an emotional crisis about nothing. I feel like I live so caught up in everything that I can never really experience anything. That doesn't make sense at all. Because I am so uncomfortable with myself, It often feels like it's not me experiencing my own life, I'm a stranger looking in. 

I pass off all my emotions off as fake or stupid. It's just force of habit. If I'm upset about something, I will convince myself that I'm being ridiculous and it's not a big deal at all, and then I will be upset because I feel frivolous and stupid. Or that I'm manufacturing angst in order to feel self-important. Because I'm secretly scared that I don't care about anything. 

I remember my internal conflict about Oleanna - I watched a woman get beat up on screen by a male teacher, and It didn't change my opinion about the play. I still hated her, and I didn't even feel a twinge of sympathy for her. I was like, maybe my emotions are broken. Maybe they are - somedays I'm like an impenetrable shield, I don't care about anything, then some days everything is a huge upset and I cry about everything like a retard. 

It's a vicious cycle - as I write this, I am thinking to myself - Mollie, this is stupid, you don't really feel this, you just want an excuse to feel upset, you're fucking fine, stop bitching. 

And then I just totally freak myself out. like right now. 

which is why this post is going to end. 

and I am going to leave Workstudy and do homework to occupy myself. Cause I'm awesome at putting things in the back of my mind and forgetting about them! 

qwerty

I Thought of more things I unintentionally say because my parents say them. 

The other day I told someone I'd "yetch" at something. My mom says that. She says "yetch" and "yarf" and "yuck up" or just "yuck" instead of barf or throw up or hurl. 

Just thinkin. I'm at the work-study office. I'm really bored. I was writing random words on a piece of paper, looking at my handwriting and I had an epiphany about the letter s. when you write a really sloppy word and you have a really sloppy s, it starts to take the shape of the cursive s. same with R. a really sloppy uppercase R looks kind of like a cursive lowercase r. I thought, gasp, I figured out why those letters look so weird in cursive! Epiphany! 

Yes. that's how bored I am. It's kind of like the whole apple-macintosh epiphany I had in the cafeteria.... I apparently enjoy having stupid epiphanies about things people realized light years before I did.

I also found the most sexist romantic novel in the universe. I felt like a total douche reading this book, which was obviously a romantic novel, with a cheesy illustration on the cover and everything, and underlining things and really, really studying it. I only did that because I am planning on using it for a project. Yes, accidental feminism, whatever. I will post passages from it later when I get back to my apartment. It really was appalling, I thought that maybe since it was pretty outrageous that it was a piece of feminist literature making fun of chauvinistic men, but I looked it up online and apparently this author is just a legit romantic novel writer, and that book got some kind of reviewer's choice award. And I said, What The Fuck is wrong with some women. Really. You'd think it was impossible, or at least counter-intuitive to be a chauvinistic pig to women if you are a woman. But people continue to amaze us. And I don't ever do the feminist-tirade thing but even I felt the need. 

That leads me to another thing. I heard someone the other day say "society tells girls to be skinny." And I thought, Society told them? Who exactly is this society? How do they make people do things? And why do they have such a huge say in what everyone does? It's something that people say when they want to have something to say for class, or they want to make gross generalizations or make a stupid, lazy assessment about why women feel pressured to be skinny in today's society. You inhabit a society, it doesn't tell you to do things. That's something that bothers me for some reason, because it just makes people sound stupid when they say it and it makes them sound like one of those 'rebel without a cause' people who are like rebel against society!!!!! Annoying. I don't want to be cynical or pessimistic, but if you're rebelling against "society" then you're only feeding into the idea of society and really, instead of separating yourself from it you're only making yourself a subcategory of it. like "The Malcontents" or "The Misanthropes." 

whatever. my brain is wanderingg and this will be the longest post ever. Thank you workstudy. There was a protest against Westboro Baptist Church yesterday at Towson, because apparently Towson High is faggot-infested and they need to repent or something. I didn't go, because I am lazy. Same with the protest against prop. 8 a while back. I'm a terrible queer. The Gay agenda would be disappointed. 

haha.

haha, Old RISD pictures.  yey, nostalgia.